In addition to creating paintings, animations, ect. I also wish to convey my feelings through text. More essays shall come in the future, perhaps one with each work and a few here and there, but today I will talk about an important lesson or aspect of my work, which is the feelings of doubtfulness, a constant battle within myself both in respects to making art and my human experience.
One overwhelming feeling which I must be overcome in every piece (and life) is doubtfulness. I was once free of doubtfulness. As children, we wish without restriction; we believe in ourselves, that we can be any wonderful thing that we can imagine. It isn’t until we are older, that other, “bigger” voices can come in to tell us how foolish we must be. When people haven’t achieved what they wanted in life, they will without question, project their feelings/fears onto you. If enough doubtful voices permeate your mind as a child, sometimes it can be difficult later to distinguish whether it is truly your voice or someone else’s that constantly judges every move you make.
One aspect of my doubt comes from being afraid to be free, to truly be myself. I sometimes find it hard to do things that I truly enjoy, and it took me a very long time to learn to make art from my heart, not wishing to please others, or simply show off my artistic abilities. Yet it is something I still grapple with, I think about how I will be perceived by the world. A part of me is am fearful that my art (and myself) will be made fun of, be rejected. But, I don’t let that fear control me, to prevent me from making art and being the person I am. When you let your soul be free, despite the thoughts and reactions of others, it opens up a whole new world of self-discovery and acceptance. I am still a passenger on this journey, there are still many aspects of myself that I do not address and/or accept, but I hope I can grow, and I try to accept others in such a way so that they may as well.
When we gracefully receive an idea from the muses, a purpose or project, we must nurture and care for that little seedling. Doubt can cause us to violently rip it from the ground, or eventually, prevent us from watering it, watching it sizzle and diminish before our eyes. We often forget a towering tree was once small and vulnerable. And so, we must forget voices of doubt and memories of past failures, to grow we must be able to overcome. I have to fight these feelings every time I create, but the pay off in the end is so great, and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have it in me to create anything. I know that because I have lived in that crippling space before.
Please, don’t let doubt prevent you from being the person you are and doing things you are meant to do.